Eric Karjaluoto

My Facebook Privacy Notice

Friends: I pray you share this important message.

Due to the fact that I have no understanding of the law, and that I believe Facebook to be some kind of nefarious boogeyman, I do declare the following:

On this day, June 6th 1944, in response to the new Friendster guidelines and under articles LOL. 123, 456 and 789 of the morse code, I declare (do I really need to make this many declarations?) that my rights are attached to all my badly Instagrammed lunch photos, often inappropriate jokes, poorly timed cultural critiques, pointless clickbait, general bragging, and self promotion, etc… published on my profile.

For commercial use of the foregoing, my written consent is required at all times (unless you Photoshop me into porn, which I find rather amusing).

Those reading this text can copy it and paste it on their Facebook wall. This will in no way allow them to place themselves under the protection of copyright—but, they’ll somehow feel better. I guess? I don’t know. Why they Hell does anyone post this shit? It’s a social network, not a court of law. Jesus.

By this release, I tell Facebook (ironically, on Facebook) that it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, broadcast, do the cha-cha, or to take any other action against me (unless it first buys me dinner) on the basis of this profile and/or its contents.

The actions mentioned above apply equally to employees, students, secret agents and/or other staff under the direction of Facebook—as well as Joy Philbin.

The contents of my profile include private information. (Don’t ask why I posted them here—that’s beside the point.) The violation of my privacy is punished by the law (UFC 867-5309 and that beautiful golden statute in the park).

Facebook is now an open capital entity. I don’t know what that means, but I think it’s some kind of a reference to a bank, or one of the characters from The Force Awakens. (Don’t ask me. I write this blathering nonsense, but I’m no lawyer.)

All members are invited to post a notice on a bulletin board, dance the Macarena, or if you prefer, you can copy and paste this version—which, I think you’ll agree, is dope.

If you have not published this statement at least once, you will tacitly allow the use of elements such as zinc, argon, magnesium—as well as the information contained in your profile updates. For what, I cannot imagine; however, this should in no way lead you to think/act rationally.

You may now return to looking at Kim Kardashian’s bottom.

Sign up to receive new articles by email: